Life for me mostly feels like an alien living on a strange planet. These are my ramblings…

 

I am frustrated and so tired.  The behavior of my kids has beat me down till I feel like a wretched, unloving, barking, tired, mom.  I might as well have a warty nose and a hooded cloak, barking at anyone who comes near me, shaking my crooked finger in distaste.  I don’t know if my kids are really being as bad as I think they are, or if I am overreacting because I’m exhausted??  I don’t know what to say when my kids are ugly, I don’t know how to show them their sin to bring about a perfect resolution.  I secretly cringe and wonder if others say behind my back, “oh that poor Amy. She’s nice but her kids are CRAZY!”  Sometimes I feel as if there is no hope for my kids, that I am utterly screwing them up and they will never remember me as a nice person.  The anger that boils within me is frightening…with choice words laying right underneath the surface, begging to be let out.  I bite my tongue till it almost bleeds thinking the mantra of “I will NOT the mom in Walmart that dropped the Fbomb on her kids!”  I will not become a sad spectacle for passerby’s to see and gasp at.

Noah constantly pushes for more. It’s the thing I love and hate about his strong personality. He is going to be a wonderful leader because he doesn’t settle, but fights to the death for what he wants.  It’s the fight to stand my ground and not give in that’s exhausting. It can last for hours and hours.  For example, he really wants to eat candy all.day.long, and then barely eats his supper and complains about the selection served, or his “hunger” for anything other than what is being served.   He fights for each piece, and no matter how many pieces he achieves, he pouts when the answer turns to “no.”  I am constantly on him about being respectful, not being the boss, or thinking of others.

Zoey whines and is so dramatic over the smallest things. Failing to put on underwear correctly, failing to find the toothpaste (that is in the exact same location every.single.day), putting on clothes, locating socks and shoes….common sense things that send her OVER the edge daily with frustration.  She follows me around whining about such things, mostly every afternoon from about 3:00 until bedtime.

As I remind them to “put others first” or “don’t do this/that,” “STOP whining!” I find myself turning the question around to me…aren’t all of us just wanting to be selfish? Aren’t we all fighting for what we want? Aren’t I whining to my friend on the phone? Am I any different at all?  Nobody likes being dictated or told what to do and when to do it.  I know I sure don’t!  That was the whole reason I wanted to grow up in the first place!  HOW can I effectively demonstrate this when I can’t even do it myself??? And did I mention I’m exhausted??

Most of the time I feel like the Lord is disappointed in me or that I could’ve always done a little more, done a better job, yelled less, been calmer, had the right thing to say at the right moment.  Combatting that lie is SO hard to do.  When I took these thoughts to the Lord tonight, I felt like He was answering me, “it’s all about love, kid.”  HE was the exemplary servant. He ALWAYS put others first. He had every right to “me” time, but yet spent his time patiently loving (and still does) on stubborn, obnoxious, and selfish people.  And because the “light of the world” is in our hearts, I believe it’s there just waiting to shine. If we can’t love others by letting Christ rule in our hearts, than who can?  Maybe it’s about simply letting him take over our desires, as we know our desires will always point to one thing….US.  Maybe it’s about telling my kids to let Him have a go at it when they screw up,  instead of “doing better, being nicer to your sister/brother.”  I think it’s about choosing to let Him be your light, instead of trying to rub two sticks together to achieve a few sparks of your own goodness.

I want to be a family that worships the Lord and sees Him with wonder and admiration.  I want my family to talk about Him as if He is the most wonderful, smartest person we know. Someone who is real and who is present in our midst.

I confess I have not lived this way. I have gone back to my default, just trying to keep things together. And in return I have nothing but exhaustion, doubt, and failure.  I want to understand grace so bad, but I can’t even seem to get past the fact that I am loved.  Maybe it’s time we start letting the Lord run this house for a change.  Instead of letting the monster of selfishness overtake us all, maybe it’s time to let our light shine.  And I think it needs to begin with me….

The fickle pickle…

 

Oh Mother’s Day…..I don’t really like you and I’m not sure why. I even looked it up and it’s really only like a 50yr old tradition. Lucky mankind that before never had to stress about it, right?

It’s the materialism of the world pushing against the sweetness of homemade scribbled cards, leaving me with a fuzzy brain unable to compute whether or not I feel appreciated or just blatantly aware of my husbands relief at surviving another card-expected occasion.

But the truth is, as I think on this dreary monday morning,  I’m not sure I want to be “appreciated” for the sole reason that it seems forced and expected, like a duty that must be performed or mommy feels sad/angry.  People that don’t even get along with their mothers give SPA packages, jewelry, flowers.

So I am left this morning thinking…..what would make me feel truly appreciated? What would it take? Where does my value come from? What do I do all of this for? And what’s the point in washing a grown man’s clothes anyways?

And the only answer I can find is….

- My value can only come from the Lord or I am left wanting a gold medal/feeling empty. Who He says I am (deeply loved individual), and what He promises me (that He will never leave no matter how hard it gets and that He will change my temper and my ungrateful heart).

- My value is in Him  is more than enough. He has created me and prepared me specifically for this awesome role of being a mom for two adorable (although crazy) kiddos.  I have to mentally choose to consider it a priviledge, and think back on the ways recently that He has shown His appreciation for the work that I do.   His appreciation comes in small ways, like the way they play so well together (75% of the time) and how Noah slips his arm around Zoey protectively when they were waiting in line at the fair.  The way they always fight for my attention and constantly want me to see their accomplishments and new tricks “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!.”  It’s in the way they only want me when they are hurt, the way they light up when I pick them up at preschool, the flatters (weeds) they pick for me, the constant artwork on my fridge they draw for me, the slobbery kisses I get when I am tucking them in bed while they have no clue that I am so tired I could drop. It’s in the memories I have of the first time I ever saw their face, heard them cry–The awe I felt when I first got to hold them in my arms-I can’t even begin to describe how much love I felt for them instantly.

THOSE are the things I have to cling to so I don’t feel ungrateful, left-out, taken for granted.  Because I truly don’t think they take me for granted…they just are confident that I will always be there to love them and want me around for now. ;)

I am thankful today to love and be loved. I hope you are too…

The Down Low YO…

Life at the Smith house never seems to stop. As Buzz Lightyear once said “these children are exceptionally skilled at chaos.” I couldn’t agree more. My one son has recently been demanding EVERY second of attention and my daughter would easily watch 23hrs of Disney Junior if we didn’t remember where she was and to go turn it off. :)

I’m not very good at it yet, but I keep trying to slow down and just “be” and “enjoy” when I am not running to class or to work. I love watching the new things they do, how they think, their crazy hair in the morning, and how they see the world. I love how Noah asks if we can text God and how Zoey can’t say butterfly, but “dudderfly” and talks to their cocoons.  I love how it makes thier day when I find a song on itunes about tooting. Of course I’M the one who announced and purchased it…the biggest kid in the house. It is quite hilarious…I am jealous that I hadn’t thought of it myself. I may have it played at my funeral…

I love how Noah prays. At bedtime tonight he prayed fervently “and we love you. And we know your the power of the glory.”  :) haha! It was all I could do to keep from making trumpet noises with my lips trying to hold my laugh in. Good ol’southern baptist preschool coming out there….I think it might have been a connection to the Lord’s prayer they are learning right now. O’Glory be!

I love how Zoey loves her many babies. They are all named “Libby” and somehow are ALWAYS pooping and getting spankins to which she informes me seriously that she’s taken care of it. But when I crawl in to tuck her in at night she is surrounded by babies and animals of all varieties and herself is usually sleeping horizontal in the bed. I just want her to stay small forever, love baby dolls, and never have a clue who Justin Beiber is.  She is so happy over the littlest things. She saw a yellow wildflower while we were driving down the highway (at 65mph)and said sweetly “I would pick that flatter for you momma.” She loves “flatters (flowers).” Just an easy-going happy girl who still has hardly any hair and loves purple.

As for me, I love myself snuggled up in bed too. I love scarfing chocolate and reading Hunger Games to cope while my husband serves and protects the streets on nightshift. I love having a warm, safe house with food in the fridge. And I love knowing that the Lord is in control of my mess. I love how He smiles for no reason other than that He just loves me (and maybe likes my crazy hair in the morning too). I wonder if He tiptoes in his kids rooms (like I do every night) and whispers “thank you Father for giving me such a precious gift.”

He loves us. He just does. How awesome is that? If I could only stay on that one thought instead of yelling at the size of my laundry pile, whining over money, or worrying over the mystery spots on my carpet.

He loves us…who can ever get over that?

 

 

 

 

Monday Monday…

These two songs really encouraged me today and brought some perspective to my monday. Hope it encourages you as well!

 

 

 

Very Pinteresting….

Hi. My name is Amy. And I’m an addict. I find myself staying up waaay to late at night, avoiding writing papers, mopping floors, neglecting my children, just so I can scroll for a few sacred moments and look at beautiful, great, inspiring ideas.  It’s a problem I know. Jesus help me.

I have a lot of projects that fail and will never be on here. For instance, I had high hopes of making my own butter. Long story short, I ended up just frothing milk for 15 minutes. Sigh….so just know that with me there are hits and misses (big ones), but its worth trying, right? :)

This particular project began after seeing this picture. I think it’s a scrapbook design of some sorts.

 

Which then inspired me with the thought “what if it wasn’t in a scrapbook, but BIGGER…and on my living room wall!! :)

I don’t have a lot of money to invest in home decorating so I thought I could do this for cheap.  Most of my ideas always sound cheap in my head and then when it’s all said and done it’s about double the price I thought it would be originally.   Anywhoo, I set out with big plans!

First, I bought a sheet of insulation at Lowes…COST: about $10.68 per sheet. It’s really large and I had to break it to get it home in my minivan. I was able to use one sheet to complete my project plus have lots leftover for other small future projects…The foam insulation board looks like this…

 

I then had on massive FAIL at cutting out a heart. I’m very impatient and it looked retarded. So, my adoring, patient husband stepped in and made me a heart! He ended up cutting out one piece, tracing it’s mirror image and then duct taped it together so it was symmetrical….genius!!

 

I ordered about 80 of my favorite family pictures on Snapfish for $.06/each, which totaled about $5.00 for pictures.

I used spray adhesive to coat the heart and began sprinkling pictures all over it!!

 

It took me about 20 minutes to put pictures, attach ribbon,and VOILA! I LOVE how it came out!! Ta-DAAAAA!!!

 

My kids COULD NOT let me take a picture without being in it. It’s morning and it’s not a school day, so the kids are still in PJ’s. :) And for some reason someone is always missing clothing at my house….I really don’t know how that happens…

 

PS. I used a piece of cute ribbon to hang it. I duct taped and stapled the ribbon onto the back. Cool art for about $16.00! I really love it and am wondering if it needs anything else on the wall beside it?? Please leave a comment if you have any ideas. I am NO decorator, just a copy cat! :)

And I promise (although I’m tempted) never to let it get to this point…haha! Bronson would KILL me!!  :)

 

Dream a little dream…

Dreams do come true. They can happen to you…if you’re young at heart

I LOOOVE the movie Tangled. We have watched it so many times we know just about every line by heart. I smile inside everytime Flynn Rider tells Rapunzel “you were my new dream.”  Ugh, I just love that! What a line! And while I’m sighing happily I look over and Zoey is like a mini-me doing the same thing. :) PS…I also love the part where she sings about having a dream and the ruffian tells Flynn “not you. Your dream stinks.” :)

I once read somewhere that people who daydream during the day live longer and are less stressed. I remember reading that and thinking I will live forever. In school I could’ve gotten an “A ” in daydreaming.  It was how I got through the monotony of high school. And it was probably the reason people thought I smoked pott (even though I NEVER have!).  What can I say, I guess I’m just a dreamer! Well, maybe I should say, used to be.

I can’t remember the last time I daydreamt. Life is too busy with kids and husbands and work and sticky floors that I don’t think I have anytime where I daydream other than the occaisional Starbucks coffee mirage or when I try to find a happy place while my kids are screaming and fighting over who touched who’s leg.

What about you? When’s the last time you had a GREAT daydream? What would it even be about?

When we were little, most of us had BIG dreams of what we would grow up to become, what our wedding would be like, what our houses would look like, etc. I don’t remember obsessing much about my wedding but I do remember vowing when I grew up I would  have a stockpile of chocolate milk, a whole basement of Little Tike houses and power wheels, and a whole cabinet of junk food JUST for the babysitter.  :) I also dreamt about owning a horse.

Those dreams soon morphed into one BIG dream….finding a Prince Charming. I never dreamt about having kids because it was more like a SURPRISE, YOU ARE HAVING KIDS! (both times!).   Now I don’t even know what I would dream about .  I seem to only think of dreams I have for my kids. I dream that they will be grow up to be happy adults who don’t hate me or think I’m stupid, and who aren’t afraid to be who God made them to be. I dream that they will love the Lord with a heart so fierce and so strong, so much more than mine, and that I will just sit in my rocker and smile contentedly.

Oh and maybe I dream about owning a camper….and a horse (still).

So friend…weary traveler in this world where time is so precious.  I challenge you to up your “daydream” life. I think sometimes we forget how or even see the point in it. But I think dreaming is a great way to remind us that things are not the way they were supposed to be. We were made for a “dreamy” existence…and one day soon it will be restored again. No more pain, no more tears, no more money trouble, no more fear.  And then we will have ALL eternity to……DREAM and float on clouds, ride unicorns, or whatever we want to do. (Sidenote: I will probably be eating swiss cake rolls and riding a horse maybe even simultaneously, so feel free to join me. Or you can join my grandpa on his sea-dooo).

Don’t be scared…DREAM ON!!! (thank you Aerosmith. Nice touch. You are wierd but you are wise).

TICK TOCK ME DON’T STOP

 

You may be wondering (but probably not) WHY I don’t post more often? I often wonder the same myself, which got me to thinking.

Here are just a few reasons why I do not get to blog consistently…

1. MY PROFESSOR IS HAVING A GOD-COMPLEX AND IS TRYING TO SEE IF HE CAN MAKE WORKING ADULTS CRY. I AM DETERMINED NOT TO BE THE FIRST, ALTHOUGH I HAVE FOUND MY FACE FORMING “THE UGLY CRY” EXPRESSION AND STOPPED  RIGHT BEFORE THE TEARS CAME.

2. I AM NOT SHOWERING REGULARLY. THE OTHER DAY I ALMOST WASHED MY FACE WITH SHAMPOO.

3.  MY BRAIN IS SO TIRED THAT I HAVE TROUBLE FORMING 5TH GRADE LEVEL SENTENCES.

4.  I GET DISTRACTED AND LOSE MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WHEN MY CHILD ASKS ME RANDOM QUESTIONS LIKE “CAN FISH SWIM IN SPRITE?” I THEN HAVE TO STOP AND  1) ANSWER THE QUESTION AND 2) GO CHECK ON THE FISH

5. DINNER DOES NOT COOK ITSELF AND GROCERIES TO COOK SAID DINNER ARE LIMITED TO PEANUT BUTTER AND UM, BUTTER…(oh and celery and minced garlic in the back recesses of the fridge). YUM!!

6. I FIND MY UNDERWEAR STATIC CLUNG TO THE INSIDE OF MY SWEATPANTS AFTER BEING OUT AND ABOUT ALL DAY!!

7. I’M BUSY MAKING “SILLY SOCKS” FOR MY SON’S LETTER “S” CELEBRATION AT PRESCHOOL.

8.  WITH A GOOD SPRAY TAN I COULD FILL IN FOR THE WOLVES ON THE NEXT TWILIGHT MOVIE..I CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SHAVED MY LEGS. MAN, I COULD REALLY SAVE THEM SOME MONEY ON CGI…

9.  FACEBOOK AND PINTEREST LURE ME IN WITH THERE SIREN SONG…ESPECIALLY LATE AT NIGHT

 

SO…there you have it folks! You just got to be a little fly on my wall and see what I’ve been up too. At least when I do post I hope it makes you smile! :) HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 308 other followers